Lessons im still learning the hard way...

I remember my mother always telling my sister that she was more curative than preventative... I didn't exactly get what she meant, cause i thought my sister was the dopest person in the world (hahahaha), or maybe its because I was a bit young to comprehend with those words...But now i'm starting to get it...i'm even starting to re-live it...

As i sit in this chair, with memories of the night before, and flashbacks of a girl I never wanted to be....the only words that keep racing in my head are..."When will you ever learn and when are you finally gonna fucken grow up and take responsibility of yourself,...your own life...your own destiny you motherfucker"... Always expecting to gain a whole lot without working for it, wanting to live and have the attitude of a typical "cool kid"...
I seem to forget that i'm not your typical "cool kid" who was typically born with a silver spoon in their mouths and had that typical "sweet life" kinda vibe....I always felt like I had to over compensate or work just bit harder to be visible....
Thinking back, I was probably visible, and till today, i'm probably more visible than I feel like I am...but I still feel like i'm compensating, over compensating for the life i feel I was destined to have... 
I hate always being in competition with other people...or better yet with my self conscience...

I cant live my life like I was robbed of something, wanting to always over-compensate and match up with the currently unattainable...

Why do I feel like the world owes me something, it don't owe me shit, instead I owe it  everything...I know what I have to do in order for me to get  what I want...or even deserve...but knowing what to do and actually doing it, has proven harder and harder to do...

As i sit here, and think of how much of an ungrateful child I am, who doesn't really realise how blessed I am... I come to the conclusion that i'm tired of always overcompensating for something I've materialised in my fucked up head... 
Honestly im tired of trying to honestly "Fit in" because I honestly don't want to, and I just want to live my life with people I don't have to overcompensate for, in order to be seen as valuable, or worth the effort...or even worth loving.
Its not about the materialistic being, its about my holistic spiritual being...and if you don't find that valuable...than your not worth my efforts....

Its time for me to pull up my socks, and stop hating myself...all I have to remember is that I am a working construction site, that needs a bit of bad weather to remind myself how quick I need to complete the masterpiece...although failure can not be an option right now...